clara elizabeth joy

Babies are miracles. However easy or difficult it is for one to conceive, the science behind it all makes it amazing enough to know that they are God given blessings.

Clara wasn't entirely planned out for Jared and I. After we had Kate, we were comfortable with our one boy and our one girl and two was enough. It wasn't until Kate was about two years old that I started having small bouts of "baby fever" here and there. I'd ask J, "Are you sure you want to be done?" and "Maybe one more?", and it just never went past that. I remember getting to the point where I, pretty frankly, asked Jesus to give me the greatest peace about being content with two babes or to clearly speak to Jared and I that we were not done with growing a family. A week later, I got two pink lines on the pee stick. So, there's that.

I've never loved being pregnant, for selfish reasons. I've never been the mom that embraces my "pregnant body", my "mom body" and I never felt the "glow" of being pregnant. It was exhausting and I was moody and sharing my body was painful and very uncomfortable. That's not every expectant mother's experience, but that was mine. I loved the gentle kicks tho. I love hearing her heartbeat at each appointment. They were reminders that LIFE was happening.

Her birth story was very different than the first two. When her "due date" came, I figured I had another 9 days of waiting because that's how it was for Henry and Kate. So, I was thoroughly surprised when my water broke 4 hours after her "due date" came and went.

I don't necessary want to give you the gory details of leading up to her birth as it was pretty traumatizing for me. But in short, my placenta ruptured, which caused quite a panic to get to the hospital. After laboring at the hospital for about 5 hours, it was quite apparent that I wasn't progressing in a way that was healthy for Clara. In fact, in was causing a lot of stress on her whenever I had a contraction which in return, was causing a lot of stress on me. So, a cesarean was what needed to be done to make sure she was ok. She was born with her cord wrapped around her enough that she was very blue and did not enter earth side screaming because her lungs were so full of fluid. This might be more common than we think but in the moment, it was very scary. And when I heard her finally make her first sounds, my anxious self felt so much weight lifted off my shoulders. I never imagined an entrance that she gave us but was so relieved to finally get to hold my babe.

#clarassojoyful has so much purpose. She has been my most high maintenance, extremely needy and demanding baby. I have lost a lot of sleep, had to quit my very (self) fulfilling part time job, not been able to adult the way I want or need, made what seems like too many sacrifices because of her (that sounds awful)... But, she's also full of so much life and brings more smiles than not to everyone around her. Even as I write this, it's clear to me that she has played a huge role in forcing me to essentially walk into a whole new season of my life that I never saw coming. One that has challenged me and given me me a new found purpose for goals, passions and desires, and a new understanding of who I am.

I celebrate you, Clara. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. For you, my joy babe, are perfect, just the way Jesus made you.